Why Being Your Child’s Friend Too Soon Can Do More Harm Than Good

You love your kids. You want them to feel close to you, to trust you, to see you as someone safe. That’s beautiful—and so important. Most parents I meet all want the best for their children and they want to be close, but the confuse their roles and begin shifting into being friends with their child before the child is ready for the transition. A lot of parents hate to hear this, but there is no way around it if you truly want the best for your children. So hear is the cold, hard, verifiable truth. Trying to be your child’s friend before they’re grown can actually make things harder for them (and for you).

Now, I am in no way trying to tell you how to be a parent. Everyone has their own path to walk and can make their own choices. I am here to simply share the best information I can so that you can make the best choice possible for your children, yourself and your family.

So let’s talk about some of the issues that are born from trying to become your child’s friend before they are adults.

Kids Need Parents, Not Peers

Before they become adults, children are still learning how the world works. They need boundaries, guidance, and someone who’s steady even when they’re upset. This is never a friend’s role in their life. Friends are supportive of them and tend to tell them what they want to hear to keep from hurting their feelings. Now, hurting feelings intentionally is never good and should be avoided, but unfortunately the nature of parenting is that you will hurt your child’s feelings when setting and enforcing rules and boundaries. It is inevitable and as painful as it is for us as parents, it is a critical part of the parent, child relationship. This world is not kind and it typically does not care about feelings. There are rules and social expectations. Failure to abide by these has serious consequences as you grow into adulthood and learning that as a child is a must to give children the best opportunity for prosperous and happy future.

When we step into a “friend first” role too soon, we might:

• Blur the lines between authority and buddy, making it hard for the child to know what’s expected of them. Simply put, kids don’t have the ability to play both roles or respond to both roles when the exists within the same person.

• Avoid discipline or tough conversations because we’re afraid they’ll stop liking us. This tends to make a lot of parents feel better about themselves, but it does so at the expense of their future relationship with their children and their child’s future as an adult.

• Miss opportunities to teach responsibility and respect because we’re trying to “keep the peace.” We’ve all seen the kids going insane in the store. They throw screaming fits, rip stuff off of shelves and destroy everything they can, but often times the parent just ignores it. That is a parent more worried about how they feel than how their child’s future will be. You don’t even have to imagine an adult doing it, they tend to show up on the news several times a month.

It’s not about being strict—it’s about being solid. It’s about being consistent. It’s about teaching your kids the best way to get along in this world with the best chance for a bright future. Your child feels safest when they know you’re the grownup in the room.

I won’t call this bad news, but it is for some people. Keep reading to find out the good news.

Friendship Comes Later—And It’s Worth the Wait

Here’s the good news: staying in that parent role while they’re growing up actually sets the stage for a beautiful friendship when they’re older.

• Teens who grow up with healthy boundaries are more likely to respect you as adults and know what kind of treatment and respect to expect from others..

• When they’re grown, you’ll both be on equal footing, and friendship can bloom naturally and will be strong due to an earned, shared respect for one another.

• The trust you build now—through guidance, not just “hanging out”—lasts a lifetime.

What To Do Instead

You can still have a warm, fun, close relationship with your kids while staying their parent. Too many parents hear that they can’t be friends with their kids and assume that means they have to be drill instructors that never have any fun and constantly chastise the kids. This is absolutely not true. Here’s how you can have that amazing relationship within the boundaries of being a parent:

• Be approachable. Let them know they can come to you with anything. Learn when to just sit and listen and when to offer sound advice. This take lots of practice, but you will learn how to do both and if you can’t tell which is needed, ask them.

• Set clear expectations. Rules show love and care, not control. Rules tend to protect people from themselves. We all have self destructive desires that sound fun in the moment but ultimately lead to only bad. Kids aren’t able to see into the future to grasp the consequences of their actions. Setting the rules and boundaries and then enforcing them every time protects them from themselves and helps them to grow and mature into responsible adults.

• Spend time together. Laugh, play, go on adventures—just keep your parent role intact. Have all the fun you want. Get creative and go nuts, just be careful not to slip into the friendship role, once you make that mistake it is very difficult to rewind.

• Model respect. Show them what healthy boundaries look like in real time. Show your kids respect as well. All people deserve respect simply by being, but respect is also earned. Give them respect enough to consider them, their wants, dreams and feelings. Letting them have a definitive say in things is something that is earned though. They earn that respect by following the rules and respecting you and learning from you how to make the best choices for themselves.

A Final Word From One Parent to Another

Friendship with your kids will come—just not yet. Right now, they need you to be their safe place, their guide, and sometimes even their boundary‑setter. And that’s not only okay—it’s exactly what they need to grow into strong, kind, capable adults who will one day say, “Wow, my parent is also my best friend.”

You’ve got this, my friend. Keep showing up with love and wisdom. The friendship will come—and it will be worth every bit of patience.